If 'I, Robot' Owned a Hardware Store

A new game simulates the monotony of retail but overlooks heroic acts of customer service

For anyone with a lifelong fantasy of owning a hardware store, there’s a new videogame called Hardware Store Simulator that purports to offer valuable insights on what the job entails:

Build your empire, sabotage competitors' pricing strategies, and handle the mayhem of daily retail operations -- all while trying to become the town's premier hardware destination!

Developed by Stellar Fusion Studios, the game allows one to four players to compete individually or work together to build a hardware empire. A demo video shows how the game works. To start, the store is given a name—The Loose Screw, in this case—and startup money for fixtures and merchandise.

The Loose Screw opened its doors with one shelving unit stocked with dozens of screwdrivers. To me, they looked exactly the same, flat head, 8-inches long. And, wow, did the customers rush in! Some people purchased eight or nine screwdrivers. Seriously, a customer would only need one—maybe two, max—of these screwdrivers at home. Nobody asked if Phillips-head screwdrivers were available, or if longer, shorter, bigger or small sizes were in stock. In fact, there was no chit-chat whatsoever.

As the demo continued, the operation got more complicated. The owner had to consider hiring employees, paying bills and managing inventory. The promotional materials breathlessly detailed how exciting owning a hardware store can be:

• Watch products tumble as you and your staff race to restock shelves.

• Deal with the physics-based chaos of retail life.

• Navigate crowded aisles during flash sales.

• Frantically reorganize displays to outshine competitors.

Since I was just a kid growing up in my parents’ hardware stores, maybe I was just too naive to grasp the physics-based chaos of retail life. And I must have been at school during one of their frenzied flash sales.

In fairness, this is just a game and the developers could never replicate the complexities of an actual hardware store. Even so, Hardware Store Simulator made owning a hardware store look pretty boring. In reality, dealing with customers (most of them, anyway) and troubleshooting problems is the best part of the job. If I were the developer, here are some of the situations I would build into the game:

• Answer a customer’s frantic phone call and describe where to find the shutoff valve under the sink. Then drive a Wet Vac to the customer’s house because he can’t leave the baby, who is napping, at home alone.

• Explain the difference between an axe and an adze.

• Gently tell a customer to put the Command Strips aside and demonstrate how to use a toggle bolt to hang a cabinet on drywall.

• Give the kid who comes in with his mom a 1/4-inch flat washer. Ask him to try it out on the penny gumball machine and see what happens.

Now that’s the hardware store simulator game I want to play.